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Dear Celebrity: Absurd Letters to the Stars
by Julian HenbyWelcome to the weird and wonderful world of Julian Henby. For some time now, Julian, the Bridget Jones of letter writing, has been badgering decent, hard-working celebrities with a barrage of frankly absurd correspondence, often relating to his dysfunctional family and pets. Dear Celebrity is a compilation of some of his finest work and includes many of the best celebrity responses. So, can Matthew Kelly find Henby's mother a job as a Bearded Lady? Will Professor Lord Robert Winston be able to do anything to help Julian's hamster, David, whose locomotion is severely impaired by his erection which drags along the floor like a fifth leg? Will Joanna Lumley find the time to visit Julian's elderly uncle to talk about her career? And why does Sir Jimmy Savile insist on being the Loch Ness monster? The answers to these and many more questions are to be found here...
Dear Fatty: The hilarious and heartwarming memoir from one of Britain's best-loved comedians
by Dawn FrenchA SUNDAY TIMES NUMBER ONE BESTSELLER___________________________The hilarious and heartwarming memoir from one of Britain's best-loved comedians and Women's Prize longlisted author, Dawn French.Dawn French is one of the greatest comedians of our time with a career that has spanned nearly four decades. Loved for her irreverent humour, Dawn has achieved massive mainstream success while continuing to push boundaries and challenge stereotypes. Here, she describes the journey that would eventually establish her as a perhaps unlikely, but nevertheless genuine, national treasure. As part of the much loved duo French and Saunders, Dawn helped create a repertoire of brilliantly observed characters, impersonating everything from Madonna and Harry Potter to The Exorcist. Dawn's iconic role in the Vicar of Dibley showcased not only her talent but also her ability to take a controversial and topical issue and make it mainstream - and very funny.From her early years as an RAF child and her flat-sharing antics with Jennifer Saunders, to her outspoken views on sizism and her marriage to Lenny Henry, Dear Fatty chronicles the extraordinary and hilarious rise of a complex, dynamic and unstoppable woman.
Death’s Shadow (The Demonata #7)
by Darren ShanFresh hell from the Demonata – you can’t cheat death…
The Delegates’ Choice (The Mobile Library)
by Ian SansomIsrael Armstrong, one of literature’s most unlikely detectives, returns for more crime solving adventure in this hilarious third novel from the Mobile Library series.
The Deranged Book For Old Timers
by Marcus WaringThe Deranged Book for Old-timers offers advice on life’s more sedate pleasures, from the afternoon snooze to how to twitch curtains properly. With a guide to being a grumpy codger and a Zimmer frame Kama Sutra, this book is full of delightfully dotty things to do. Yes, we are going to grow old, but we are going to do it disgracefully.
Desperate Deserts (PDF)
by Anita Ganeri Mike PhillipsGeography with the gritty bits left in! Where in the world can you: Spot sand dunes that bury whole villages? Discover some deadly desert wildlife? Follow in the footsteps of daring desert explorers?
Desperately Seeking...
by Evelyn CosgraveKate never intended the get-over guy to fall in love with her ...No, Keith was just the lovely fella who was definitely not her type, but would help her feel good about herself while she got over one of the World's Biggest Bastards. However, after the initial shock of hearing herself agree to marry him, Kate reckons that for once she is doing the right thing. A future with a wonderful man who is kind, generous, great in bed, sure to be a model husband and father and who - no mean feat this - can put up with her big mad family, is exactly what she wants.But is it?Because whatever her head might be doing, she can't stop her heart pushing her towards the most surprising - and unsuitable - man she could possibly fall for ...
Die Before I Wake (Mills & Boon M&B)
by Laurie BretonJust five days after they meet, Julie Hanrahan and Dr. Thomas Larkin exchange vows on a moonlit Caribbean beach, the whirlwind conclusion to a romance that's swept her off her feet.
Dim Wit: The Funniest, Stupidest Things Ever Said
by Rosemarie Jarski'They misunderestimated me' George W. Bush Einstein said only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity. So in deference to the dumbing down of our culture, comes Dim Wit - a collection of the most jaw-droppingly stupid things ever said. The cast includes every famous foot-in-mouther from George W Bush to Prince Philip, Paris Hilton to Jade Goody, not to mention hundreds of unsung idiots plucked from villages the world over. The result is a confederacy of dunces more pro-fun than profound - a clever witticism may coax an inward smile but it takes a really stupid remark to deliver a belly laugh. So pick up Dim Wit and prepare to embrace your inner moron - it may be the smartest thing you do...'My grandma overheard two women talking in a doctor's surgery. After a while, one said to the other, "Do you know, Mary, I don't feel too well. I think I'll go home."' - Robyn Jankel'I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.' - Samuel Goldwyn 'Winston Churchill? Wasn't he the first black President of America? There's a statue of him near me - that's black.' - Danielle Lloyd
Do Bats Have Bollocks?: and 101 more utterly stupid questions
by Jon Butler Bruno VincentThe letters page of Old Git magazine continues to offer its readers an opportunity to ask and provide answers to the most pressing questions of our times. Questions such as:Would it help global warming if I left my fridge door open?What's the riskiest game of risk ever played? If I fell down a disused mineshaft would Lassie really run and get help, or just sit there licking his balls?Do Bats Have Bollocks? features a host of completely new and untrue questions and answers. With bags more rude jokes, shaggy dog stories and the odd entry from a new, bewildered editor who's wondering what the hell he's got himself into, this book is every bit as laugh-out-loud funny as last year's hugely successful volume Do Ants Have Arseholes?
Dorothy on the Rocks: A Novel
by Barbara SuterIn Maggie Barlow's world, reality is overrated. So what if her singing career has hit a sour note or she's no longer the ingénue that she used to be? So what if she drinks and smokes a bit too much or likes to chat with a fairy godperson who appears to her from time to time? She's the queen of denial and an actress to boot—she can just take on the role of someone she likes better than her sorry self. Regrettably, that role is currently Dorothy in the Little Britches Theater Company's production of The Wizard of Oz.Dorothy on the Rocks is the story of a funny, lovable, totally self-destructive woman who, after a night of one-drink-too-many, wakes up with a strange man in her bed: confident, handsome, sexy, twenty-eight-year-old Jack. What happens next is what makes Barbara Suter's coming-of-middle-age tale so much fun. For when the make-believe is finally stripped away, our hurt, lonely, and very afraid heroine finally takes center stage and finds herself starring in a totally improbable love story. It just might be the role of a lifetime.
Dr Johnson's Reliquary of Rediscovered Words
by Dr Neil JohnsonIn these pages you will discover words you never knew existed, and rediscover many that you had forgotten or had given up all hope of ever seeing again.If the amoindering of our language by fifish chuffs leads you to fleer and the infandous overslipping of orthoepy makes you feel wamble, this is most certainly the book for you.Prepare to fike, gane and gaure as Dr Johnson certiorates, carrying carotic catachresis to new heights, and providing all lovers of leguleian lexicographical detail with a rich feast of mullock, cultch and peltry.
Drama Queen
by Susan ConleyJane Boyers, sleek, gorgeous and highly successful TV executive, barely has time to eat and sleep, let alone keep up with old friends. Especially ones like Miranda, who has rejected glamorous New York in favour of settling with the love of her life in rural Ireland. But when Jane's career comes crashing down, her panicked response is to jump straight on a plane to Dublin and throw herself on Miranda's mercy. Life there is definitely not what Jane is used to, and the culture shock goes both ways. When she gets herself mixed up with an independent theatre company, her no nonsense American approach gets right up the natives' noses – particularly the rather attractive nose of Shay Gallagher, the enthusiastic, if hopelessly disorganised director. And sparks really fly when Shay and Jane are forced to take the lead roles in the company's first production...
Drinking Games
by Ted LeechGather your friends and your favourite poison for a lost evening with ‘lairy Mary’ and ‘sloshed Josh’.Fill your glass more than half-full and try your hand at this heady mix of giddy games and sozzled sports.
The Editor's Wife
by Clare ChambersWhen aspiring novelist Christopher Flinders drops out of university to write his masterpiece (in between shifts as a fish delivery man and builder's mate), his family is sceptical. But when he is taken up by the London editor Owen Goddard and his charming wife Diana it seems success is just around the corner. Christopher's life has so far been rather short of charm - growing up in an unlovely suburb, with unambitious parents and a semi-vagrant brother - and he is captivated by his generous and cultured mentors. However, on the brink of realising his dream, Christopher makes a desperate misjudgement which results in disaster for all involved. Shattered, he withdraws from London and buries himself in rural Yorkshire, embracing a career and a private life marked by mediocrity.Twenty years on a young academic researching into Owen Goddard seeks him out, and Christopher is forced to exhume his past, setting him on a path to a life-changing discovery.
Every Freaking! Day with Rachell Ray
by Elizabeth HiltsHey kids! If 30-minute meals are good, wouldn't 30-second meals be even better? You bet they would! And EVERY FREAKING! DAY WITH RACHELL RAY makes this dream a reality! This 64-page, full-color parody of the super-caffeinated media phenomenon Rachael Ray doesn't merely mimic the tone of the megastar's monthly magazine, daily talk show, multiple Food Network shows and countless ad campaigns, it nails it! Bestselling author Elizabeth Hilts captures Rachael's perky exuberance, her "casual" approach to cooking and her irrepressible and wholly unique Rayisms.
Everything Changes: A Novel
by Jonathan TropperA moving, funny novel of romance and horrible mistakes... from the bestselling author of ONE LAST THING BEFORE I GO.To all appearances, Zachary King is a man with luck on his side. A steady, well-paying job, a rent-free Manhattan apartment, and Hope, his stunning, blue-blooded fiancée: smart, sexy, and completely out of his league. But as the wedding day looms, Zack finds himself haunted by the memory of his best friend, Rael, killed in a car wreck two years earlier - and by his increasingly complicated feelings for Tamara, the beautiful widow Rael left behind. Then Norm - Zack's freewheeling, Viagra-popping father - resurfaces after a twenty-year absence, looking to make amends. Norm's overbearing, often outrageous efforts to re-establish ties with his sons infuriate Zack, and yet, despite twenty years of bad blood, he finds something compelling in his father's maniacal determination to transform his own life. Inspired by Norm, Zack boldly attempts to make some changes of his own, and the results are instantly calamitous. Soon fists are flying, his love life is a shambles, and his once carefully structured existence is spinning hopelessly out of control.
Everything Nice
by Ellen ShanmanSuper-slick, super-independent, Michaela “Mike” Edwards is a lady going places. Or so she thinks. Once unexpectedly fired, her career as a young advertising hot-shot is over just like that. Before long she’s doing the unimaginable: moving back in with her widowed father to help make those pesky ends meet - it’s clear she needs to rethink her life. Maybe she should start with trying to unravel those complicated feelings she’s been having about her best guy pal, Aussie journalist Gunther...?
F in School: Blunders, Backchat and Bad Excuses (F In Exams Ser.)
by Richard BensonAhh, glorious school days… It’s no wonder they went so quickly with all the exams, the classroom fun, the sticky situations to get out of, the work to avoid and the teachers to annoy. Enjoy this new collection of hilarious exam answers, along with schoolyard jokes, amusing doodles, silly excuses, spelling slip-ups and loads more!
Fat Pets
by Professor J. D. ScoffbowlIt’s the ideal Christmas gift – the first ever collection of pictures of the world’s fattest pets! Marvel at the supersized cats, dogs, rabbits and others to be found in this astounding and entertaining book. Will fit in most stockings.
Five Children and It
by E. NesbitIn this classic tale of adventure and wish fulfillment, five city kids find the countryside to be filled with magic and wonder Be careful what you wish for. After two years cooped up in London, Cyril, Anthea, Robert, Jane, and their baby brother, “the Lamb,” are thrilled to be living in the country. The best thing about their new home is that there are no rules, no places that are off limits. One day while playing in a gravel pit, they uncover a fat, furry creature that has been asleep for thousands of years. The Sand-fairy, also known as It, grants them one wish a day, to be shared among them. At sunset, the wish will turn to stone. But every wish brings a disastrous result. When the children wish to be beautiful, no one recognizes them. When they wish to be rich, their gold doesn’t buy them anything. When they wish to be able to fly, they end up stuck on top of a church tower with no way to get down. Other wishes lead to a confrontation with Indians, a scuffle with kidnappers, and accusations of thievery. When the children beg the Sand-fairy for more wishes to set things right, It agrees—on the condition that they never ask for another wish again. E. Nesbit’s pioneering fantasy novel continues to delight new generations of young readers. This ebook has been professionally proofread to ensure accuracy and readability on all devices.
For Crying Out Loud: The World According to Clarkson Volume 3 (The World According to Clarkson #3)
by Jeremy ClarksonJeremy Clarkson, shares his opinions on just about everything in For Crying Out Loud.The publication of The World According to Clarkson in 2004 launched a multi-million copy bestselling phenomenon. But to no avail. Jeremy's one man war on crimes against common sense has not yet been won. And out hero's still scratching his head at the madness of it all. But it's not all bad. He's learnt a little along the way, including:• Why binge drinking is good for you• The worst word in the English language• The remarkable secret of eternal youth• The problem with America• And how to dispose of a seal For anyone who's been driven to wonder just what is the matter with people these days, For Crying Out Loud is the perfect riposte. Surprising, fearless and always laugh-out-loud funny, Clarkson's back. And he's got a point . . .For Crying Out Loud is a hilarious collection of Jeremy's Sunday Times columns and the third in his The World According to Clarkson series which also includes The World According to Clarkson, And Another Thing... and How Hard Can It Be?Praise for Jeremy Clarkson:'Brilliant . . . laugh-out-loud' Daily Telegraph'Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches' Time Out'Cars take a back seat as Clarkson grumpily lets rip . . . the man has a point!' ZooNumber-one bestseller Jeremy Clarkson writes on cars, current affairs and anything else that annoys him in his sharp and funny collections. Born To Be Riled, Clarkson On Cars, Don't Stop Me Now, Driven To Distraction, Round the Bend, Motorworld and I Know You Got Soul are also available as Penguin paperbacks; the Penguin App iClarkson: The Book of Cars can be downloaded on the App Store.Jeremy Clarkson because his writing career on the Rotherham Advertiser. Since then he has written for the Sun and the Sunday Times. Today he is the tallest person working in British television, and is the presenter of the hugely popular Top Gear.
A Fraction Of The Whole: A Novel
by Steve ToltzSteve Toltz's A Fraction of the Whole is a riotously funny explosion of a novelSHORTLISTED FOR THE MAN BOOKER PRIZE 2008From his prison cell, Jasper Dean tells the unlikely story of his scheming father Martin, his crazy Uncle Terry and how the three of them upset - mostly unintentionally - an entire continent. Incorporating death, parenting (good and bad kinds), one labyrinth, first love, a handbook for criminals, a scheme to make everyone rich and an explosive suggestion box, Steve Toltz's A Fraction of the Whole is a hilarious, heartbreaking story of families and how to survive them.'A fat book but very light on its feet, skipping from anecdote, to rant, to reflection, like a stone skimming across a pond . . . it is brilliant' Guardian'Sparkling comic writing . . .It gives off the unmistakeable whiff of a book that might just contain the secret of life' Independent'With tinges of magical realism and buckets of misanthropic humour it's a clever and funny debut' Observer'If first novels were sandwiches, Steve Toltz's would be a juicy, swaggering doorstop of a sarnie, overflowing with eccentrically combined but delicious ingredients . . . Toltz is a superb phrase-maker with an acute eye for humanity's shortfalls'Big IssueSteve Toltz was born in Sydney. After graduating from Newcastle University in 1994, he has lived in Sydney, Montreal, Vancouver, Barcelona and Paris, working primarily as a screenwriter and freelance writer, but also doing stints as both a private investigator and an English teacher. A Fraction of the Whole is his first book.
Framed
by Frank Cottrell BoyceThe perfect crime – it's a work of art, in Frank Cottrell Boyce's ingenious story, Framed.Dylan is the only boy living in the tiny Welsh town of Manod. His parents run the Snowdonia Oasis Auto Marvel garage – and when he's not trying to persuade his sisters to play football, Dylan is in charge of the petrol log. And that means he gets to keep track of everyone coming in and out of Manod – what car they drive, what they're called, even their favourite flavour of crisps. But when a mysterious convoy of lorries trundles up the misty mountainside towards an old, disused mine, even Dylan is confounded. Who are these people – and what have they got to hide?A story inspired by a press cutting describing how, during World War II, the treasured contents of London's National Gallery were stored in Welsh slate mines. Once a month, a morale-boosting masterpiece would be unveiled in the village and then returned to London for viewing. This is a funny and touching exploration of how art – its beauty and its value – touches the life of one little boy and his big family in a very small town.This edition of Framed includes bonus material and discussion questions from Frank Cottrell Boyce, and illustrations by Steven Lenton.
Frank Skinner on the Road: Love, Stand-up Comedy and The Queen Of The Night
by Frank SkinnerIn this new volume of memoirs, Frank Skinner describes his experience of going back on the road doing stand-up again, after many years spent working mainly on television. His adventures on tour are by turns funny and moving as he meditates on growing older, the terrors and joys of trying to make a live audience laugh night after night and on the nature of comedy itself.For the first time we read a comedian's account, in his own words, of how his act is put together; his return to a world of dark little clubs and the strange encounters he has there. But what is perhaps most startling and original about Frank Skinner's writing is his honesty nbout not only the highs and lows of his career, but more intimate and personal issues - male sexuality and matters of the heart.