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Arsetrology: How your poo can predict your future
by Harry Holland Oliver ScheidtForget the crystal ball - predicting the future is all about the toilet bowl. 'Arsetrology' is a groundbreaking new book which uncovers the hidden depths of your number twos, using the ancient art of poo-reading. If horoscopes and palm-reading are driving you round the u-bend, then panic no more. Sit down, relax, do your thing - and then proudly gaze upon what you have produced to discover what the future has in store. Examine the shape, look and texture of your crap - and then match it up to one of the 'poo runes' to read the long and short of what your shit means.'Arsetrology' will be your indispensable guide to dropping the kids off at the pool. Put it by your throne, and refer to it every time you get the call of nature, to stay one step ahead of the game. Understand your life through the lav, and never underestimate the turd's telling powers again.
The Art of Sledging
by J HaroldIn these days of cricketing correctness, where codes of behaviour are being handed down by the Cricket Police, here is a salute to the good old days when games were won and lost by whatever means available. With a great one-liner on every page, this is a collection of crude, rude, famous and infamous sledges all placed within the context of the match and the rivalries on and off the pitch. Including: Merv Hughes to Graeme Hick: "Mate, if you just turn the bat over you'll find the instructions on the other side." Lillie to Gatting: "Hell, Gatt, move out of the way I can't see the stumps." Woodfull to Jardine: "Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?" Warne to Cullinan: "I've been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate you." Cullinan replies: "Looks like you spent it eating." The most pathetic sledge of all time from present England Captain Kevin Petersen to Chris Gayle: "You're making me cross. You're making me cross. You're making me cross." Possibly the rudest of them all, Mark Waugh to Adam Parore: "Oh, I remember you from a couple of years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're f**king useless now." Parore replies: "Yeah that's me and when I was there you were going out with the old, ugly slut and now I hear you married her. You dumb c**t." Even teammates have been known to sledge one another, Brian Close to Geoffrey Boycott: "Next bloody ball, bloody belt it or I'll wrap my bat around your bloody head." And the crowd is not adverse to hurling abuse either "Hey Tuffnell, lend us your brain we are building an idiot!"
The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas
by Ariane Sherine42 atheist celebrities, comedians, scientists and writers give their funny and serious tips for enjoying the Christmas season.
Atmospheric Disturbances
by Rivka GalchenAlready much praised and described as ‘playful yet profound, Murakami-esque yet original…heartbreaking…stunning…an unforgettable debut’ (Vendela Vida), Atmospheric Disturbances is one of the most widely anticipated fiction debuts of 2008.
The Audacity Of Hype: Bewilderment, sleaze and other tales of the 21st century
by Armando IannucciIn THE AUDACITY OF HYPE, Armando Iannucci cuts straight to the heart of the insanity and sherbet-headed nonsense of modern life. THE AUDACITY OF HYPE brings together his views on diverse subjects, ranging from wickedly funny pen portraits of the sometimes loveable, usually despicable chumps who like to think of themselves as our political elite, and their bonkers schemes to save the world that are in fact likely to do us more harm than a pile of witches, to WMD, disaster movies, the pitfalls of 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here' and the high and mighty rhetoric of Obama, this is an absurdly entertaining and utterly indispensable collection from one of Britain's most brilliant satirists.
Aussie Rules: A fun and sexy escapist romance!
by Jill Shalvis'Perfect, feel-good fiction' Sarah Morgan on The Lemon SistersIf you love Holly Martin, Jill Mansell and Debbie Macomber, you'll LOVE Jill Shalvis and her irresistible trademark gift for humour, warmth and romance!Jill's books are guaranteed to make you smile:'You can't go wrong with a Jill Shalvis book' 5* reader review'A heartwarming read with all the feels' 5* reader review'Another winner... I cannot wait for more' 5* reader review'A riveting and comforting romance' 5* reader reviewThis Just In: Hell's Officially Breaking LooseIt's bad enough that gutsy pilot Mel Anderson has to clean up after her lovable but completely disorganized best friend and business partner, Dimi, while her certifiable employees make more work than they do. Now, the one man she hoped she'd never see again is back and looking for trouble. Scratch that, he is trouble. Amazing, more please trouble...Bo Black wants his family's airport back, and he's determined to get it. This laid-back Aussie is nobody's fool. Thing is, neither is Mel. She's intense. Uptight. Sexy. And very, very tempting. Suddenly, Bo's thinking less about revenge and more about kissing and touching and falling into a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of forever love...Want more warm, funny romance? Check out the Heartbreaker Bay novels starting with Sweet Little Lies, visit stunning Wildstone, gorgeous Cedar Ridge, spellbinding Lucky Harbor or experience some Animal Magnetism in Sunshine, Idaho in Jill's other unforgettable series.
B as in Beauty
by Alberto FerrerasA hilarious and witty novel about a Cuban-American woman's search for true love -- and the realization that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes: "Move over, Ugly Betty; Fat B's in town and she's just as bewitching, bodacious and beautiful as the unconventional Latina TV star." -- Publishers Weekly Everyone in the world, it seems, is either prettier or thinner (or both) than Beauty Marie Zavala. And the only thing "B" resents more than her name is the way others judge her for the extra 40 pounds she can't lose. At least she has her career. Or did, until she overhears her boss criticizing her weight and devising a scheme to keep her from being promoted. Enter B's new tax accountant, a modern-day matchmaker determined to boost B's flagging self-esteem by introducing her to rich, successful men who will accept her for who she is. As B's confidence blossoms, so do her fantasies of revenge. But will B find true happiness or true disaster when she unwittingly falls for the one guy she shouldn't?
The Beach House
by Jane GreenNumber one bestseller Jane Green - author of Straight Talking and Mr Maybe - tells a heart-warming story of life, family and relationships in her captivating novel The Beach House.Nan, a widow whose family has flown the nest, is an independent, free-spirited woman who couldn't care less what people think about her living alone in her beloved beach house. But when she discovers that money is running out and she might lose her home, she knows it's time for a drastic change. Nan decides to rent out rooms for the summer and people start moving into the house, filling it with noise, laughter and tears. Among them is Daniel, a recently divorced father, who's struggling to find out who he really is, and Daff, the single mother of a truculent teenager who blames her mother unreservedly for her parents' divorce. As the house comes to life again, Nan finds her family growing. Her son comes home for the summer and an unexpected visitor turns up, turning all their lives upside down . . .Compelling, absorbing and poignant, The Beach House is a story of friendship, love and those moments that can change your life.
Bear Flies High
by Michael RosenBear is playing on the beach and, seeing the seagulls wheeling above him, decides that he would love to learn how to fly. And there are four children with him who know exactly how to make that happen.An exhilarating story about friends helping each other to realise their dreams - and having great fun doing itBrilliantly read by Michael Rosen. Please note that audio is not supported by all devices, please consult your user manual for confirmation.
Being Nikki (Airhead #2)
by Meg CabotTeen-supermodel Nikki Howard has a secret. She's not the gorgeous golden airhead she seems – on the inside she's someone else. Literally. Em Watts is stuck in the body of glamazon celebutante Nikki. And it's not easy. Especially when Nikki's past is about to catch up with her, her boss is spying on her, and Em's heart wants one thing but her lips keep kissing someone else . . .Being Nikki is the second fabulous book in Meg Cabot's sensational Airhead trilogy.
Belching Out the Devil: Global Adventures with Coca-Cola
by Mark ThomasMark Thomas-a legendarily seditious comedian and human rights activist-is a recovering Coca-Cola addict, a self-described "middle-aged fat dad with asthma” who decides to trek around the globe investigating the stories and people Coca-Cola's iconic advertising campaigns don't mention: child laborers in the sugarcane fields of El Salvador, Indian workers exposed to toxic chemicals, Columbian labor union leaders in Coke bottling plants falsely accused of terrorism and jailed alongside the paramilitaries who want to kill them.At once hilarious and disturbing, Thomas builds a very detailed and damning case against the world's most ubiquitous drink.
The Best Of Matt 2009
by Matt PritchettAward-winning, bestselling cartoonist Matt's brilliantly entertaining view of the last twelve months.'Every day a witty, sharp gem of social comment...his brilliant work is the yardstick by which the rest are judged' Terry WoganMatt started drawing his much-loved cartoons for the Daily Telegraph in 1988. His cartoons are on the front page of the Daily Telegraph, with three slots on Sundays, giving his own take on the world we live in. From the often absurd world of politics, to sport, the beleaguered heath service and seemingly endless transport traumas, Matt takes a unique and wonderfully entertaining look at life, giving it a brighter, funnier twist.'That rare thing: a daily cartoonist who never fails' The Times
The Better Mousetrap
by Tom HoltIt touches all our lives; our triumphs and tragedies, our proudest achievements, our most traumatic disasters. Alloyed of love and fear, death and fire and the inscrutable acts of the gods, insurance is indeed the force that binds the universe together.Hardly surprising, therefore, that Frank Carpenter, one of the foremost magical practitioners of our age, felt himself irresistibly drawn to it. Until, that is, he met Jane, a high-flying corporate heroine with an annoying habit of falling out of trees and getting killed. Repeatedly.It's not long before Frank and Jane find themselves face to face with the greatest enigma of our times: When is a door not a door? When it's a mousetrap.
Big Pants, Burpy and Bumface: And Other Totally True Names!
by Russell AshWhat's your name? Is it Chloe? Jessica? Jack, Sam? Is it Emily? Rebecca? Matthew, Dan?...Or is it Fart Bear? Noah Zark?Piggy Banks?Be grateful for your ordinary name - this funny, fascinating book is full of the silliest, the strangest, the weirdest and the wackiest names from around the world (and some of them are quite rude too)!
Birdwatchingwatching: One Year, Two Men, Three Rules, Ten Thousand Birds
by Alex HorneAlex Horne is not a birdwatcher. But his dad is, so with the prospect of fatherhood looming on his own horizon, Alex decided there was no better time to really get to know both his father and his father's favourite hobby. So he challenged his dad to a Big Year: from 1 January to 31 December they would each try to spot as many birds as possible; the one who spied the most species would be the victor. Along the way Alex would find out what makes his dad tick, pick up a bit of fatherly wisdom and perhaps even 'get into' birdwatching himself.Join Alex as he journeys from Barnes to Bahrain in this charming tale of obsession, manliness, fathers and sons, and the highly amusing twists and turns of a year-long bird race.
Blackboard Blunders: Spelling Slip-ups and Homework Howlers
by Richard BensonChildren are at their funniest when they are trying to be serious, and their earnest attempts at mastering the English language are a veritable goldmine of unintentional humour, from the charming to the ludicrous, and from the profound to the downright X-rated. Enjoy this side-splitting collection of spelling slip-ups and homework howlers.
Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures: Stories
by Vincent LamAn astonishing literary debut, this collection of mature and intricate stories introduces a powerful new voice in fiction.
The Book of Senior Jokes: The Ones You Can Remember
by Geoff TibballsAgeing is one of those unavoidable facts of life, and what more can you do about it than laugh (admittedly, slightly defensively)? Just why fading physical and mental faculties should be so funny is something of a mystery, but they are and with The Book of Senior Jokes you can laugh off your forgetfulness, fading physique and new penchant for the afternoon nap. This book - and do, please, try to remember to pay for it - is a collection of the very best 'senior' jokes, perfect for anyone feeling their age, no matter how old they may be, that will help them celebrate all that is positive - and positively hilarious - about growing older.
Born Bad: A Novel
by Josephine CoxThe powerful bestseller from the nation’s favourite storyteller and author of The Loner and The Journey
Boys R Us: Boys R Us (Girlfriends #5)
by Jean UreThe Gang of Four are growing up. It seems to Polly that they spend most of their spare time with their boyfriends, and even when they are together, all they do is talk about boys.Polly's not sure whether boys really are her. Wasn't it better when it was just the four girls and they could shop gossip and not have to worry about boys being around? Polly wonders whether she'll ever really understand what it's all about...
Boys Will Be Boys (Girlfriends #6)
by Jean UrePolly is really looking forward to a trip to the seaside with her best friends and their boyfriends. It'll be brilliant, all eight of them together! But then Polly's plans start to fall apart as, one by one, her friends' relationships hit trouble. Soon she finds herself stuck in the middle, like some kind of agony aunt. And when Polly finally gets her day by the sea, will it turn out to be as much fun as she hopes - or will it be a total disaster?
Caledonication: A History Of Scotland. With Jokes
by John Kv EunsonSo, you thought you knew everything you needed to about Scotland and its chequered history? Well, think again. Did you know that tobacco made up half of Scotland's exports in the eighteenth century? Did you know that JM Barrie created the name 'Wendy' for his play Peter Pan in 1904, meaning that there are no Wendys over the age of 104...? Did you know that The Beatles played at Dingwall Town Hall in 1963? See? John KV Eunson leads us through the history of the Scots in this accurate but none-too-heavy look at the great country. On a journey of almost breakneck speed full of chuckles, we still have enough time to stop and smell the heather, taste the fudge and feel the ghosties.
Calmer Sutra
by Ann SummersWith the kind of raunchy approach you would expect from Ann Summers, this unabashed cartoon version of the world's most famous sex manual reveals the amusing truth about what really goes on in the bedroomThe Kama Sutra says that sex can sometimes give us a glimpse of heaven. The Calmer Sutra demonstrates that the Elephant Posture and the Yawning can just as easily result in an embarrassing situation.
The Cambridge Introduction To Comedy (Cambridge Introductions To Literature)
by Eric Weitz'Laughter', says Eric Weitz, 'may be considered one of the most extravagant physical effects one person can have on another without touching them'. But how do we identify something which is meant to be comic, what defines something as 'comedy', and what does this mean for the way we enter the world of a comic text? Addressing these issues, and many more, this is a 'how to' guide to reading comedy from the pages of a dramatic text, with relevance to anything from novels and newspaper columns to billboards and emails. The book enables you to enhance your grasp of the comic through familiarity with characteristic structures and patterns, referring to comedy in literature, film and television throughout. Perfect for drama and literature students, this Introduction explores a genre which affects the everyday lives of us all, and will therefore also capture the interest of anyone who loves to laugh.
Car Fever: The car bore's essential companion
by James MayWhen I'm in power there are going to be some changes around here, I can tell you. May's Britain is going to be a better place to live. Top Gear’s James May is back with his hilarious and controversial opinions on . . . just about everything.As well as writing about his first love, cars, James has a go at political correctness, the endless rules and regulations of daily life, the internal combustion engine and traffic wardens. He discusses gastropubs, Jeremy Clarkson and other trials of modern life.His highly entertaining observations from behind the wheel will have you laughing out loud, whether you share his opinions, or not.Car Fever is an indispensable guide to life for the modern driver.